I’m home. My hometown. The town i grew up in and like many, have weird feelings about. Tonight my sister & i went to surprise my dad at the bar he works the door at tonight. Every holiday i come home to visit and every holiday he invites me to this bar. Or a bar. Any bar. Look- some bars are great and a fun place to catch up in: cool brick walls, music that makes you feel you are in the right place, yadda yadda. A vibe worth digging. Not these bars. A trivia night where the “DJ” in charge is scream-talking lame cinema references into the mic with a menthol cigg hanging out of his mouth while the patrons wear their favorite sports team logos anywhere they can and the neon BUD LIGHT sign glows the reminder that most of these people will never leave this town type of bar. That was a run on sentence and i dont care. Anyways, so point being- i usually smile through gritted teeth at the places my dad wants to “bond” & “catch up” with me at when I’m home. It’s always brought up. “Scott, she doesnt wanna go”…”No no it’s fine. I’ll go.”

This year he didn’t ask me to go. He knew it wasn’t my favorite thing. He gave up. It’s my fifth day at home, and he had work, so my sister and i swung by to visit and HIS FACE WAS ADORABLE. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was a small “dad” smile, but it was a smile and i saw it and i loved it.

Oh and the drinks were $2.

Breathed my problems into baby food jars. Labeled them. Then threw them against a wall.

As i roll an uneducated-on-any-sort-of-rolling-techniques joint atop a Therapy Today magazine, I watch an old episode of My So Called Life purely for the sole reason that my name is Angela (Chase) (me)  and the guy she likes is Jordan (Catalanno) (my ex is Jordan).

I really am uber curious to find out what the next man I fall for will be like. Jordan was a speed bump that had a lot of cool bugs on it. Hard to get over, and leaves ya creeped out and thinking about the bugs a lot.

When you look at other girls, and your thought is “Hrmm…would Jordan cheat on me with THIS girl?” - you know your head is in a twisted place. I am excited for the day when these thoughts don’t cloud my skull.

One good thing about the place I’m in right now: I’m so bitter and mad at my own lack of boundaries, that I refuse to waste my time with any dude that is cute and fun and gives me attention. He needs to have something so unique, i can’t help but oogle. Which means lots of rejection to lots of awesome boys. Something I am not used to. Why can’t guys just be friends without trying at least once to fuck?

It was a fancy place to get coffee and such.

There were real mint leaves in my MintGreenTea. Floating around, ready to choke me through my straw. With every sip I take a risk. I could die. Or at least cough a bunch.

I came here to focus (which I never do successfully). And i didn’t start then. I sat and stared. A million thoughts racing, but none bring me closer to the goal.

I take a big sip through the straw. Hoping for death.

I hid in the bushes.

To the left-side of his porch. (if you’re facing the house)

It wasn’t very comfortable-

So I ran back to my car to grab a sweatshirt to bunch up under my butt.

(the sweatshirt said BON JOUR but at a glance people think it says BON JOVI)

okay. It’s better now.

But it’s rather noisy- crackly.

So I shake out all the leaves around me to get the crunchy dead ones out.

But now the bush is more bare.

I am more visible now.

Oh well here he comes! He’s coming!

His old SAAB pulls up & disappears into his driveway toward the garage.

Wait- was he alone?

I wish I hadn’t closed my eyes.

Why do I think if I close my eyes I can’t be seen?

Stop that, you’re a horrible spy.

I hear footsteps.

I hear more than just two feet. The amount of foots is more than two!

One pair is heavy and knows where to go.

The other pair hasn’t been here before. It’s a daintier set.

And they are excited. I can tell by the way the gravel swirls and spins from under their stoked steps.

They round the corner.

I swallow (the lump).

She’s beautiful.

That jacket must have been expensive.

Her hair- is that really HER hair?

(I forgot to take my hair vitamins today. I have to get a better system to remember)

She playfully sits on the bench of his porch.

He joins her, laughing.

Have I ever heard that laugh?

It’s a different style.

I prefer it to the laugh I’m familiar with.

My right buttock is asleep. WAKE UP! FUCK!

I shift at 1000 frames per second.

To no avail.

There was the CRUNCH.

(it seems to echo in the moment)

Both of their YAY-about-each-other faces whip around.

They are looking right at me.

He waves. Knowingly.

I wave back.

She slowly waves.

I wave back with my other hand.

“We should go inside” he leans in and whispers.

(Did he just smell her hair?)

He unlocks his front door and she walks inside his magical living room, sucking her into a safe playground.

He turns to his bush and asks me if I need anything.

“A water?”

He goes inside/I wait.

A minute later the door opens and he places a mug on the doormat and closes the door.

I walk up to the stoop and get the mug. There is a single ice cube inside. I go back to the bush and gulp it down.

I fell asleep in that bush.

And woke up to a re-fill in my mug.